Stuck in a moment

Here I am with a new post, after more than a week of silence. That intriguing ‘call for interest’ that I mentioned in my last post? Became a real job! But- the required experience jumped from an advanced degree and 2 years experience to an advanced degree and 5 years experience- not looking all that great for me but still worth applying for. 

I’m pretty embarrassed (more like ashamed but that’s so awful to admit) to report that I did not complete the task I had set for myself of finishing my cover letter and applying for this position. I did tighten up my resume and begin smoothing out a cover letter.  But I hated what I was writing and also found myself struggling to frame a convincing argument as to why Whom-it-Might-Concern should hire someone with a non-traditional background. So, I lost momentum and here I am again, stuck. I’m pretty disappointed in myself for not following through with the goals I had set, and for not getting back to certain people who have offered me help. I don’t like posting when I haven’t made any progress (which is why I’ve taken so long to put something new up), but tonight I just felt compelled to write.

This is what I feel: how much longer am I going to sit around feeling paralyzed and afraid? All my life, I’ve been so passive about the choices I’ve made. I haven’t ever really ever strived for something, or dreamed of getting to someplace specific, career-wise. I am suddenly conscious my age; I look around at many of the friends and acquaintances whom I admire, especially women. They are ambitious, focused, and seem to derive both pleasure and satisfaction from their work. And they seem to have so much energy! I know it doesn’t do me much good to compare myself to other people. But I can’t help feeling this nagging… sagging… uneasiness.

It’s so easy to avoid thinking about what’s going to happen next at all. It’s so easy to just roll along until something happens. When it came time to declare a major in the second year of college, I found that I had the most credits in physics, so physics it was. But I never had any plan about what I would do with a physics background after I graduated. I was terrified of going to graduate school, terrified of not having any specific task set for me by somebody else. As the summer rolled on, I my parents really began to worry about what to do with me. I ended up nannying for an aunt and uncle, then for a cousin. With encouragement from my cousin and aunt, I started looking for a ‘real’ job, applying for technician positions at universities and small biotech companies. I got one interview. And that was that. So, I teched. For almost four years. And started to think- what am I going to do with this? I can’t be a tech forever. So, I went to graduate school. Not for any better reason than that. And now I feel like I am right back where I was when I graduated from college. Paralyzed. Afraid of the unknown. Except this time instead of my parents, it’s my boss who’s trying to be patient with me until I make the next step.

What I desire is to be an active participant in the course of my own life. I don’t want to drift along anymore. I ask myself: what am I doing right now to emulate the behavior of the people I admire so? Right now I am not doing very much at all, I need to change that. Sometimes I feel like such a child.

I am currently learning how to play a traditional initiation rhythm on the djembe, an African drum. Perhaps I should play a rhythm signifying my own initiation into adulthood. The thought makes me smile, and lifts my spirits.



Here’s a quote that I like by Marianne Williamson that seems like an appropriate one to end this post with:

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we're liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."